Sound and healthy relationships are what we are all shooting for, correct? Whether at home or on the job, we hope that we can enjoy an environment that is rich with rewards, validation, and trustworthy feedback. That sort of environment is not an accident. It's the product of mutual endeavor.
I watched my son get married last week. He and his bride were positively beaming up at the altar. Their new union was framed in old vows -- "for better or worse, for richer or poorer" -- as they each promised to uphold the other. The concepts were large, but the actual words were few. That's because, in the context of the couples' trusting relationship, the particulars were all to be worked out within daily interactions.
For my son and his wife, their initial, public, "kick-off "project meeting -- their wedding ceremony -- was comprised of only two topics:
- the key objective - this was: let's commit to love each other, no matter what.
- the intended outcomes - in the case of this old-school wedding, these were: to glorify God, and make each other happy.
And that was enough.
A wedding is a reminder that we are not designed to go through life alone. We need to do life together.
Humanity needs community. And community is built from consistent constructive communication.
Do you agree?
How different the scene in a divorce lawyer's office, when thick documents are reviewed, paragraph by paragraph, by warring soon-to-be-ex-spouses and their attorneys. Then, every particular is combed through, and every asset is haggled over, before signatures are guardedly applied. In a relationship where support and purpose have eroded, the concepts are defined to the smallest degree to parcel out responsibility, and so the verbiage required is voluminous.
Got the contrast?
Now: think about the most important people in your life. Consider the people with whom you are effectively "doing life together." Include the people in your family, your social circle, your faith community, your workplace.
Within each of these spheres of endeavor, how would you characterize your communication? Choose one:
A. Trustful, positive, fulfilling -- packed with good intention
B. Distant, superficial, truce-like -- operating in "safe" mode
C. Distrustful, competitive, stress-producing -- weighed down with conflict
D. Not sure
If you answered B or C, then I'm sorry. That's a clear indicator that your consistent communication pattern is based more in cynicism than in support. If so, it drastically needs recalibration.
If you answered D, then take another step back and evaluate the amount of negotiation you need within the relationship or group to make any shared decision, or to get buy-in for any proposed action. Chances are, the longer and more elaborate the interaction, the less functional your relationship.
Do you have a score now for each of your "marriages'" of community? Okay. Then let's consider how to move from cynicism (less trusting) to support (more trusting) in each of these areas.
Improving Communications By Turning Up The Support Factor On Your End Of The Conversation
So again, if you're not feeling the wedding-bells love, I'm sorry. However, there's something you can do. Actually, there's a few things. Let's get to work on them now.
But first:
Here's what you can't do: change another person. Most dysfunctional communication starts from that false premise, which is precisely why we won't even entertain that idea. So if changing another person is your idea of success, quit reading now. If we are out to change relationships, that essentially means changing the way we think, speak and behave within relationships. Are you onboard with that? Okay, then.
Here's what you CAN do:
1. Commit to being respectful. If change is to happen in your community, it is necessary to upgrade the dialogue. You can do that by first determining to view the other(s) in your relationship group as people first, partners second. Whatever your shared connection, you are each entitled to dignity, safety, and equal humanity within the relationship. They may not see that yet, but you must start there. Any other starting point is, plain and simple, the beginning of abuse. So clean up your act and stop all dysfunctional messaging on your end.
(By the way, if the relationship is actually abusive, you need to either exit the relationship, plan a safe escape strategy for a future exit, or stay but get support from other sources who have your back. NEVER remain in an abusive environment without having a strong purpose and establishing an immediately-available trusted support group. For most of us, this is not the issue. If you think it might be in your case, reach out to someone you do trust now, or call a hotline, to get help figuring it out. Here's one to try: http://www.thehotline.org.)
2. Commit to highlighting shared goals. Tensions may have eroded trust, but there is a foundation of community somewhere within your relationship. Identify it. What does everyone have in common? What are the objectives and outcomes on which you can all agree? Make a short, broad list: "All parties seek to have this happen: __________." Once you have found shared goals, keep them first, last, front and center in your messaging. Make them the narrow sliver of common ground on which you can all stand together.
3. Propose, don't prescribe. Whenever issues arise that are not clearly within your shared objectives and outcomes, don't assume decision-making authority. Give value to the others in your community by allowing them to give input and come to agreement. Alter your communications patterns to let everyone contribute their ideas honestly and without fear. Do this by stopping pressure tactics and providing actual opportunities for choice, discussion, and disagreement. Though this can lead to more lengthy communications processes, at least for a while until trust is established, it's the number one way to dismantle any assumptions that have been creating subliminal controversy within your community.
As I have stated in other posts on this blog, my motto for this principle is: "When it becomes a tug of war, drop your end of the rope." In my experience, relationships tend to degrade over time unless a great deal of energy and attention is paid to intentionally root out and de-polarize differences before they can grow into conflicts. The best way to do this is to find out what the other party's ideas, goals and priorities are through dialogue, then look for ways to support those ideas, goals and priorities by linking them to already-agreed-upon shared objectives and outcomes.
I know -- that's a mouthful. I wish there was a book that I could recommend on the subject. Maybe I'll have to write one. In the meantime, do what you can to minimize distrust by creating ways for everyone to feel heard. It's the shortest, best means to bring every relationship back to that honeymoon stage when everyone has clear goals in mind, and the best intentions to treat each other well as they work to achieve them.
To sum up:
All communities -- whether marriage, family, business, charity group, religious group, or country -- need consistent constructive communication to survive.
WHOA. I think we just stepped out of the airlock into deep frozen space. Did I actually say that a country, like any other human institution, needs good communication to survive?
Yup! But that's the subject for another blog post. For now --
Congratulations, Pete and Marta, on your marriage. May you always bring out the best in each other. And congratulations, dear blog post reader, on taking the constructive steps necessary to upgrade the communication in your most problematic relationships - to leave cynicism behind, and target support as the new hallmark of your community. Leave a comment on how you apply my counsel, and where it takes you!
Here's wishing you relationships, at home and at work, that are rich with rewards, validation, and trustworthy feedback. Always.
